Writing On The Wall

October 2015

He’s still at the bar.
I know he’ll be home soon, but lately he’s been frequenting more and more.
I know there’s a bartender he likes.
He looks at her with a look.
The way he used to look at me.
He doesn’t look at me like that anymore.
Lately he’s told me as such.

But when he gets home he’ll smile at me expecting dinner
Because that’s the only good I am to him now.
And I have to cook for him, because if I don’t he becomes shitty.
So I cook dinner for him.
For a man who just a couple weeks ago told me straight to my face that he

No longer loves me.
At least, “Not like he used to.”
But he really didn’t need to tell me that.
I already knew.
It was cruel of him to say.
But he figures, “Ah well, it’s been six years. Maybe we should try to work it out.”
Like it’s nothing.
So day after day, night after night, I wake up next to this man.
Attempt to be affectionate.
Attempt to do nice things for him.
Cook for him.
Being careful to clean up after myself so as to not trigger another “talk”.
Then I go to bed next to him.
We sleep, close to each other yet miles away.
Everyday I’m unsure of my immediate future.
Do I have to start packing?
Will I have to live with my mother?
Dear God.
This sucks.

He’s home now. So I’m expected to make dinner.

Of course. That’s what I’m here for.

4 thoughts on “Writing On The Wall

  1. I want to hug you so hard it hurts…. but my arms are not nearly long enough….. ?

  2. Damit Du mal Deutsch lernst:
    Berührend. Auf zwei Wegen. Weil ich selbst in dieser Situation war und weil ich Angst habe, jemanden in genau diese Situation gebracht zu haben. Und noch auf eine dritte Art: weil das eher ein Tagebucheintrag zu sein scheint, der mir mehr über Dich und Deine Geschichte erzählt. Ich fühle mich beinahe privilegiert, diese intimen Einsichten zu bekommen.

    • Viel Dank für die Blumen, Matthias. 🙂 Ich bin froh dass du es magst. 🙂 Hoffentlich du magst die ganze Buch. Vielleicht du werde drin es. 🙂

      And please forgive my broken German, I am still learning. 😉

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